Tag Archives: humor

IOTD: Those jerky cats.

Wow, it’s been a while.

My original plan to write once a week has clearly failed. I guess I’ve just been so busy living life and hugging garbage men (and subsequently spending my time in court for harassment) that I haven’t had time to uphold my writing commitments.


Is this my view of the sunset over the lake from my relaxing spot on the grass?? or is it my perspective after being tackled by police and arrested for breaking into the home of a sanitation engineer… ?? does it change how you feel about the photo?

jk. I’ve never been to court. (Although after watching 3 seasons of the Tudors, it looks pretty fun. The punishments are a bit different nowadays though. Instead of going to jail and learning how to be a better criminal, you got to marry the king and get beheaded…. funny how things change.)

Anyway, I have been busy. I recently finished a book study that I did for work. It’s called “The Charisma Myth” and it’s about how you can improve your interactions with people to get a much better result. Call it manipulation, call it magic. It’s a fact of life and It was a very informative.

One of the exercises we did was about perspectives. Long story short, it went something like this …

Imagine you’re on your way to an important presentation and you’re a little bit late. No time for coffee and someone cuts you off. You’re pissed. You hurl insults at the car you would never say in a face to face situation. You show up at your meeting, you’re frazzled, off your game, and you can’t get into the mental space needed to give a compelling presentation.

Now imagine the same situation. Someone has just cut you off. Instead of them being a faceless asshole, imagine they are a mother frantically trying to pull over because her child is choking in the back seat.

Or imagine whatever you would feel sympathetic for. The point is changing your perspective inside so that you show a more put together charismatic person outside. Whether you’re into self improvement or you thinks it’s hippy BS, it makes sense and it works. (unless you’re an asshole who feels empathy for no one. I’m lookin’ at you Kevin O’leary)

So, I had an opportunity to put this to the test.

I was working, (Im a retail manager for a women’s clothing store) It is sales job, but most importantly, a customer service job. (Being good at the latter usually influences the former… and lets face it being nice to people is just good karma… which is bad news for Kevin.)

So there I was. working hard. A woman walked in the front door. Let’s call her Mildred. Mildred walks through the door with her hair in curls. I instantly imagined Mildred at home that morning in a housecoat with a head full of rollers, because thats what I do.

and then I saw the bag.

It was one of our bags, which only means a return. When your job is to give the right product in exchange for money, it feels like failure when you do the opposite.

Im so dramatic. 🙂 It’s not that big of a deal, returns are a part of working in retail, and they happen, but it still sucks.

So anyway, back to Mildred. She was making a return. She handed me the bag and said she wanted her money back. In order to get into my frame of mind, it must be said that Mildred also came with 2 friends. Cigarette smoke and cat hair, and they were all over her. I don’t hate many things, but I hate cats. They are little assholes that know I’m allergic, but they play stupid and pretend to love me. We all know cats are sociopaths that don’t love anything, except maybe plotting revenge on humans…. we all know that right?

When I opened the bag to get the item, I could instantly smell the smoke, and I started to get a little bit more annoyed about the whole situation.

and then it happened.

My imagination took over, and my perspective started to change.

I pictured poor Mildred in her home at the mercy of a gang of cats. no, a mob of cats. A mob of chain smoking cats, and she was enslaved by them. I pictured her trying on her skirt in front of the mirror and the cats laughing at her, laughing with cigarettes in their mouths of course saying she would never have a need for nice clothes like that. (like a weird version of cinderella, only with more smoking, no gus gus and lots of lucifer…)

As I pictured it, I almost laughed, but I kept it in, because Mildred wasn’t privy to the scene that just went down in my head and laughing would have be weird. The point is, my demeanor toward her changed, I hated those underworld guarding assholes for her and although this was probably not the route the book had in mind… it still got me to the same empathizing, charismatic, customer serving destination. Success!

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IOTD: Giving myself an Intervention.


I love water. I love boat. and let me tell you, if there was a lamp. I would love lamp.

My name is Krista, and I am an addict. (pause for the group response…..)

As I sit here radiating heat I wish my addiction could have been to sunscreen. But alas, it is not. So for now I shall sit here lathered in aloe and regret and tell you about my real addiction.

Change…. I just love it.

No, not loose change.  I hate that shit, it’s noisy, loose and awkward… which is weird because normally those are the qualities I love in people. 🙂

What I’m talking about is a love of the ‘ever changing’… the ‘constantly shifting’, The thrill of something new on the horizon.

Don’t get me wrong, this addiction has its benefits. Like when it is applied to undergarment rotation, but it also has downfalls. Sometimes I get so caught up in what is next that I miss out on what is now. (soooo profound I know.) The worst of it is when I am approaching the ‘new opportunity’ I get consumed with thinking about it and I am finding it very hard to stay present.

The last few weeks I have been thinking a lot about different aspects of my life and how they are going to change in the next while. (no, I’m not pregnant…….. yet. She says with a conniving smile, a box of condoms and pin in her hand. Hah too far? Well I’m just kidding… seriously! ……..Ok now this is awkward. I maaaaay also be addicted to misguided humour, but lets just tackle one addiction at a time.)

As far as my ‘Thinking about my next move’ addiction, I’m trying to cut back so I can really enjoy each moment. As I was walking home tonight from an evening of drinking wine, eating good food and enjoying good company, Sia’s “She Wolf” repeating for the 4th time in my ears and the lights of the city reflecting on the water…. I actually took the time to appreciate the moment and this chapter of my life. If I make an effort, I can do this. I can kick my addiction to change and appreciate the moments in between. If that means I have to enjoy my undergarments for an extra day, then so be it. Wish me luck! 🙂

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IOTD: Watch out for holes.

I’ve been running around like a crazy person lately. Working extra, making time for friends and family and trying to fit working out into that schedule…. Ok, no I don’t really work out, or even try that hard but it seemed like the right thing to say.

Bottom line, I’m busy. I know we’re all busy, but I’m like, suuuuper busy. Yeeeaaa, I know other people are responsible for keeping small humans fed and clean and off the street (as in playing in the street, not homeless… but that too, actually), but we all make choices and I chose to try and keep myself fed and clean and off the street before I start worrying about another human. It’s hard.


So as I was saying, I’ve been busy, I don’t have a lot of alone time or personal reflection time. (Which is probably a good thing as my personal reflection is not exactly where I’d like it to be since I stopped working out don’t worked out on a count of not wanting to.) But I digress, this post isn’t about how out of breath I am after walking 4 blocks uphill to work everyday (It’s very steep and it never gets easier by the way), Its about finding ‘appreciation’ time and I get more of it than I thought I did.

If you’ve ever been married, someone probably told you to stop and take it all in. Enjoy it; because it’s a whirlwind and it’s over before you know it. (the wedding, not the marriage… well… maybe both…  but regardless, the advice still applies 😉 The same is true for the everyday mundane bits. I was getting caught up in rushing everywhere that I was missing out on the awesome shit in between.

I was walking to work the other day and the cherry blossoms had just come out so I was walking under a light pink canopy of heavenliness. (This is truly the prettiest time of year in Kits). As I was walking up to one of the many blocks with construction, the wind started to blow lightly and the cherry blossom snow started to fall. It felt like a scene from a movie when every thing slows down and the girl’s hair blows all sexy in the wind and everyone around stops and notices her and there is music and it’s also sexy and then I fell into a construction hole…. At least that is the kind of movie I would be in so I told myself to snap out of it because my hair was in a bun and every time I get cocky and ahead of myself, I do something clumsy. It’s like fate is trying to keep my ego in check. It never fails me. “I get it, fate! I’m not a graceful movie star!”

I didn’t feel it was an appropriate time or place to try and disprove that theory. But in that moment for just a second, I really appreciated the perfectness of it all. Even if it was mostly delusional.

The Moral…, appreciate the moments in between leaving your house and falling into a construction hole. Oh, and always wear your hair down on slightly windy days… It flows better with the music.


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IOTD: Get out, and Get wet!

Another slightly overcast morning. I don’t mind it, and I actually don’t mind the rain either. However, If it’s a choice of going out into the rain and the cold to try and take photos when I’m not really that great at it or staying in my cozy bed for an extra 5 minutes, then another 5 minutes, then juuuuust another 5 minutes. (carry on for about an hour) I usually choose the latter. It’s always worth it to get that bit of extra sleep that is interrupted every 5 minutes so you never really sleep and then when you do get up, you rush around like a crazy woman to get out the door on time. On second thought, I hate that. Clearly the fresh morning air is the better choice, but there is no reasoning with my half a sleep alter ego so here are a couple more photos I took on monday.


I am struggling with the idea of taking photos of real people, but it scares me more than walking under the Burrard Street bridge and imagining I’m Buffy the vampire slayer. ( Allison, I totally stole this from you, because I think about it now when I’m in scary neighbourhoods/normal neighbourhood and I just think they are scary )

Sidetracked again.

Oh yes, Taking photos of real people. I will get the nerve eventually. I’m hoping if people see me walking around a lot with my camera they will start to recognize me and that will make me less “the creep hiding behind the tree taking photos of people” and more “that weird girl who takes cool photos of people”.. there is totally a difference.

On Sunday I was down at the beach (with my camera) and it had poured rain all day, and then right at the end, the sun came out. I was walking back to my apartment and I was coming up to this old man that was walking slowly and he wasn’t paying attention, he was encroaching on this massive puddle and his velcro runners were going to get all wet. I was perplexed, do I tell him? Do I step out of my comfort zone and yell at this man to “Watch the puddle!”? It’s a huge decision that I clearly spent way too much time mulling about.

Before I said something, he looked down and noticed the small lake that had formed on the pathway. Phew. He sees it. I smiled at him, he smiled at me. His velcro shoes were safe. Then, as if to defy all velcro logic, he went full force into the puddle splashing and putting his arms in the air as he kicked his feet. I’m not even kidding!

“Its still as fun as I remember!!” he told me.

uuuuh, Am I in a Nicholas Sparks movie? because that was the cutest thing I’ve ever seen! You think I had the courage to ask him if I could take some photos. Nope. It will be the biggest regret of my life. So instead I have a picture of some boats….


They are cute too, they just don’t look as good in velcro New Balance.

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IOTD: Do something that scares you as often as possible.

Once a day seems like a lot. Sometimes you just don’t encounter scary things EVERY day. Apart from putting yourself in scary situations like singing the “I have a large amount of meth in my pocket” song along hastings street. (It’s a pretty catchy song).

This morning I was up again at around stupid o’clock so I decided to get out, snap some photos and put myself in some scary situations. Not on purpose… well, not really on purpose. I was walking around the seawall as the sun was coming up and along with marvelling at the sheer beauty of Vancouver I was also thinking of how the news anchor would report my brutal mugging, or something else unspeakable. It’s weird I know, I’m a little warped in my brain area. Nevertheless, that’s how I think sometimes. So naturally I decided to also walk in the totally dodgy underbelly of the Burrard Street bridge.


The cast of CSI will show up in approximately 2 hours

I was just imagining the hoodlums hiding around each pillar waiting and snickering as I approached. I kept thinking about what I would do if I got jumped, I thought about being totally badass and beating the shit out of them, and then I realized, at best, I could make them feel really bad about themselves as they ran away with my camera. Thankfully, this never came to fruition. I guess they all left for work already.


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Inspiration of the day: Always be prepared

“I promise to do my best, to be true to myself ….. aaaaand sell lots of cookies”… pretty sure that’s right, or at least that’s the gist of it. One thing I definitely remember is “Always be prepared”. I’ll never forget that. Always be prepared. I feel that is such a huge responsibility for a little girl. How can you ALWAYS be prepared? and for what?? I would like to take this opportunity to blame the Girl Guides of Canada for heavy purses, shoulder droop and exposing me to a naked man at the age of 12, I promise it’s not as bad as it sounds, … but more on that later. I’m getting off track …

Where is this all coming from…

Well, the other day I decided I should clean out my purse. You know, get rid of old receipts, maybe find a nickel or a piece of gum. It is a fairly large size tote that I use when travelling to and fro. So I decided that it was time to go through and dispose of the garbage so that it is possible to actually find something in my supercalifragilistic tote bag! As I was dumping out my bag delicately removing the contents of my purse like a lady, it made me think of all those articles in magazines where celebrities show us what they carry around. How fun! I’m gonna take a photo and blog about it… hopefully its not as boring as it seems now that I’ve just seen it typed out.


You have 20 seconds to memorize every item, then I will take them away. Whoever remembers the most items doesn’t EVER have to play these baby/wedding/bridal shower games ever again.

At first glance it may seem like the necessary ingredients to be prepared for at least the most likely things that will happen to me in any given day.

Water bottle – there is a chance I might get SO thirsty in the 4 blocks between my house and my work that I will say to myself… “Thank God I was prepared for this”

Phone charger – that is legit. you know you feel lost when your phone dies…

Watch – what if my phone dies and I’ve lost my phone charger?

Glasses case – I should mention that my prescription glasses were nowhere near the case, but should they find their way into my purse…. Consider me prepared!

Timmy Ho’s O.J – that one was in there for a while, but does OJ ever reeeeaaally go bad??

Gravol – Just in case O.J does go bad.

A giant belt – this is not the kind that holds your pants up, it’s the kind that looks GREAT with everything. So obviously that needs to be in there.

My wallet – where else am I going to put my friend’s school portraits??

My debit card – you will notice it is not in my wallet… The last time I used it I was finishing up at the grocery store and there was someone behind me inching her way up to pay and I felt pressured to get my stuff and get out of the way quickly…. so I just dropped it haphazardly in my purse… you know you’ve been there.

A bracelet and a necklace – Took them off 15 minutes after I left my house the day before because I kept getting them caught in everything and it made me look very awkward. Clearly I am prepared to glam it up at a moments notice. I get invited to parties. I’m very popular.

Avocado – yup, that was actually in there…. I don’t even know.


“What’s that doctor? He needs an avocado right now or he’ll die? “

So I guess I’m pretty much the best Girl Guide ever.

I’m prepared for SO many things! I’ve grown and learned so much since my days with Girl Guide leader ‘Brown Owl’. She taught me to be prepared, lend a hand and not to take a bunch of girl guides on a hike through Wreck beach!

Irony joined us on the hike that day. It appeared the woman who taught me to always be prepared, wasn’t prepared for the possibility that there could be a nude beach in Vancouver… or maybe she was trying to help us get our ‘Good bye Innocence’ badge. I suppose it never really stood a chance anyway… I’ll get the needle and thread.

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Inspiration of the day: Throw poop at the fan.

Yesterday was my birthday. A lot of people hate birthdays, but I love them. I get to do whatever I want, spend money even if I shouldn’t without feeling guilty, and nobody can get mad if I start drinking before noon. Now let me clarify…. this is no different from any other day, but on my birthday I have an excuse, and I intend to use it. Also, it was National Margarita Day, so there’s that.

I do understand why these days are not universally liked. Birthdays can be scary. As a child you think you will be at a certain point in your life, in your career, in your relationships by a certain age and birthdays are a reminder of the ticking time bomb that is your youth. When you actually reach the magical number that seemed so far away when you were 12, you realize you are no closer to marrying one of the backstreet boys than you were back then.


Who knew a bowl could be SO useful!

As it turns out, that’s okay. I’m glad things didn’t work out exactly how I planned them. If they did I would be a farmer in seattle and I don’t think I would get the same job satisfaction from the agriculture industry that I get from the fashion world.  (I’m not even sure why a little girl would have such a randomly specific idea of what she wants to be when she grows up, but apparently that was once my dream).

Inherently, I am a glass half full kind of person. I do mix in a little half empty to keep it fresh (no one likes the annoyingly positive person). I am good at being sarcastic and I can peer over to the dark side every now and then but I really believe that everything happens for a reason and sooner or later that reason will become clear. It wasn’t my exact plan to get married and divorced before 30, but as I said, everything happens for a reason… and I’m all about checking things off the list, so I guess now I can say I’ve done that! Check! 🙂

There are so many amazing things that would have never happened if shit didn’t hit the fan every now and then. So my goal for the last 2 years of my 20’s is to not freak out about a little brown splatter on the walls (that’s quite a powerful visual isn’t it. 🙂 ) but to enjoy the impromptu redecorating of my life and check a few things off the list that I didn’t even know were on the list.

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Inspiration of the day: Happy .. Wha?!

ImageI saw this a few days ago posted to a door in my friends apartment building… and I LOVED it! AlI could imagine was the little girl on the other side (Lets call her Tina) with big dreams of one day falling in love with one of the faces plastered to her wall, all the while being serenaded by the soulful sounds of One Direction.


Who said romance and chivalry were dead? 

It made me think of the faces I have had plastered to my wall… J.T.T (“Man of the house”/”mighty king”), Andrew Keegan (I can’t even remember what he was in), and the real love of my life… Leonardo Dicaprio. I spent many a night crying myself to sleep because he sank to the bottom of the ocean… We would never have a chance. The closest I would ever get was re-enacting that scene in my friends living room. Her couch was the raft and one of us would always sink to the bottom of that carpety ocean. yes, It was as traumatic to re-enact as you might think. At least the girls today don’t have to feel that heartbreak. Their leading men are supernatural hipsters! The biggest threat they face is ‘spending an eternity alone without their true love’… excuse me, but.. barf.

I’ve always been a bit romantically challenged. A guy once bought me a Stuffed Animal Stingray with my name on it and I spend half the day FREAKING OUT to my cousin. I suppose I should have seen that as a sign. It ended up being a bit of Steve Irwin style foreshadowing. Cuuuurse yoooou, Hindsight!

My mentality has changed a bit. My experiences have shaped me. Surprisingly, I’m not as romantically challenged as I used to be. I realize that the cheesy sappy stuff is kind of nice (once in a while! – Its not a complete transformation, but Im getting there) Tina inspired me to put it all out there, right on the front door for everyone to see. Her picture spoke to me. Those asterisks, hearts with the squiggles, and the UFO looking thingys spoke to me. What did they say, you ask? They said, Take a chance, Put yourself out there, Don’t let your past experiences define your future ones (Yes, they said ALL that, I can read between the squiggles) and Don’t let sweet impressionable little girls listen to One Direction. Seriously! They aren’t even trying to hide the sexual context! At least the boy bands of my day tried to mask their true intentions with lyrics of everlasting love! Why can’t these boys write a nice wholesome song like B44… “If you get down on me, I’ll get down… wait a minute. That might not be a great example. How about “MMMBop” I don’t think they were trying to say anything provocative with those lyrics, actually I don’t know what they were trying to say…

…I’m off track a bit now… Where was I?

oh yes, Happy Mushy/Sappy/Lovey or as sweet little Tina says … Happy Valintimes day everyone!

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Inspiration of the day: Believe in Magic, cuz that shit is real.

I find myself amazed at something I can only describe as pure sorcery. Trust me. Its magic, I can ALWAYS tell.

This revelation came to my in the form of a book. (and no it’s not “50 shades of seriously, you could have stopped at one and called it a day”) This one was much less “ice cream flavoured” and more “How could you possibly know that about me when you don’t even know me cuz you’re a book!!!!” … Interested yet?


“I didn’t see beer pong in here, am I missing a page?”

This little wonder is called Strengths Finder 2.0. As a manager it is the most helpful tool I’ve ever used for creating/maintaining/evaluating a successful team. As a human, it is just straight up magic. The concept is learning and focusing on your strengths as a way to succeed instead of dwelling on the negative. The test tells you what your top 5 strengths are and gives you suggestions on ways to develop and perfect those skills.  There is a code in the back for your online assessment (aka the source of the sorcery) and it only takes about 30 minutes to complete. You only have 20 seconds to complete each question so answer quickly and honestly, your results will be more accurate if you do.

My results were pretty bang on, but I didn’t learn anything earth shattering or completely new about myself. What I did learn was a different way of looking at the traits I already knew I had. Things like Empathy and Adaptability…. seemed more like weak traits than strengths until I read the personalized description of Empathy and Adaptability as strengths and not just traits. Suddenly I’m not some bleeding heart pushover, I’m freaking AWESOME!


“bask in my awesomeness”

The results were so bang on that I decided to act on themes that kept coming up. Journalism, creativity, writing human interest stories. Now, I’m not crazy enough to think this blog qualifies as ‘journalism’ or that any humans are interested in my stories… but it’s a start. After all, not everyone can get  rich writing about red rooms and anal beads.

As much as I have benefitted from this book. I also feel as if I have been cursed. Everyone at work has been assessed, but that’s not enough. I’m craving more. I have this need to know everyone’s strengths and what makes them tick! I want my family and all my friends to do this and I want to talk about it to everyone!

…..but until then, I’ll be over here. Chattin’ with this dude.


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Inspiration of the day: Hug the Garbage man

I am coming to the end of my day in a much better mood than I started it. So I would like to apologize to anyone I encountered in the first 2 hours. I take all the necessary precautions to wake up in the best mood possible, I promise! My alarm is birds chirping, so I usually wake up feeling like freakin’ Pocahontas. (The Disney version, I feel that needs to be clarified. Not the real life version… I don’t wake up to a ship full of angry fighting Englishmen… at least not anymore, that was my last job.) Today, I just wasn’t feelin’ it. I don’t know why. I had the perfect recipe for a long restful sleep. Clean sheets and late night martinis… works every time, just not when a crying dog and a god damn crow are making as much noise as animaly possible and I’m too lazy to reach up and shut my window. However, I’m a trooper, and breakfast was just around the corner…. who doesn’t love a good breakfast? For some reason my leftover popcorn, skittles and waffle combination didn’t provide the kickstart I was looking for, and my shower didn’t wash away the cranky. So off I went… first stop, smelly garbage bin in the alley behind my apartment. Awesome. I’m sure the handle will be extra juicy today. As I approached the bin (you know, the one with the huge latch and the giant lock on it like all the bins in Vancouver… just because we don’t want it, doesn’t mean we want anyone else to have it, ok?) Anyway… There I was, struggling/walking up to the bin with my hands, arms and even my legs trying to juggle and sort the garbage from my own personal crap. It was at that point that the Garbage man stopped what he was doing got out of his truck and came over to help me unlock and open the lid. In doing so, he did what my skittles and shower never could,… he washed away the cranky. It doesn’t seem like a big deal and in fact you are probably annoyed that you read this far and THAT was the climax of the story, but to me, on this day, it was kind of epic. There is a good chance he just wanted this awkward struggling human to get the hell out of the way so he could go on with his work. It didn’t matter. He had set in motion a chain of events and no matter how many times Ashton Kutcher went back in time to change it, he still died….. wait, what?… that never happened, I might be thinking of movie.

Point: The Garbage Man changed my mood and inspired me today. So maybe I could have the same effect on someone else if I looked up from my phone and noticed the world around me.  I don’t need to say because I think it’s obvious, but I will anyway. The moral of the story is this…. Crows are jerks and Garbage men are awesome.

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